Esther: bravery is faith and courage

 

    This week I started a new journey. For the past 10 years of my life I have been a paramedic. It has been the hardest job I have ever done. This job has stretched me and pushed me beyond my limits. I remember when I was a new employee 10 years ago, I was terrified. I never thought I would be comfortable enough to run a CPR on my own or make treatment decisions by myself. However, 10 years later I have learned to love every moment of it. I have watched myself grow and become more comfortable in situations that I used to think were terrifying.

    Now, I am starting a new journey and once again I am the new employee. July 25th I officially started my first day in my career as a nurse. This has been a long and hard journey. There were so many times that I didn't think it would happen. School has never come easy for me and life events delayed the dream even longer. 

    This past week in Sunday school we are studying Esther. When I turned to that chapter for this week I just felt this overwhelming peace and gratitude. I have always loved the story of Esther. I have read her story countless times during my life. Many times when I wanted to read the scriptures I would feel unsure of where to start. The Book of Esther is short, so many times I would just read her story. 

    Esther had such faith and courage. She put her life on the line for her beliefs. I know that I am not putting my life on the line, but her example gives me courage and faith that God will be by my side as I face the unknown. I am not very good with change. I like schedules, checklists, to do lists, planners, calendars, and itineraries. Starting a new job just throws all of that out the window. But, just as God guided Esther, I know that God will lead me through my trials. I know that His plan is better and bigger than anything I could dream for myself.

Go, gather together all the Jews that are present in Shushan, 

and fast ye for me, and neither eat nor drink three days, night or day;

 I also and my maidens will fast likewise; and so will I go in unto the king, 

which is not according to the law: and if I perish, I perish.

Esther 4:16

Rachel Roberson, BSN

650 hours of clinical

60 credit hours

20 months of school

Thousands of miles-driving to and from school

Countless tests and tears 

I have had this dream of going to nursing school for about 20 years. I grew up with the majority of my youth leaders being nurses and they just seemed like super heroes to me. After I graduated from high school, I started school at BYU-Idaho studying "pre-nursing." Then I ended up at UVU and changed my major to Emergency Services. There are many days where I get upset and frustrated that I "wasted" 10 years in emergency services, where I could have just pushed forward and finished nursing school 10 years ago. But, I have come to realize that emergency services has given me a life that I would never wish away. EMS led to me being able to find a job quickly in North Carolina. I was able to provide for my family and later on provide for my daughter and I when we were on our own. I was able to have good insurance, paid time off, and a schedule that allowed for me to work nightshift and then sleep while she was at school. Then a few short years later it brought me to my handsome husband. If I hadn't been in EMS I never would have met Preston. That right there makes it all worth it! I started this journey of going back to school when I was a single mom. I was working nightshift while trying to attend community college during the day. Trying to do it all was hard and I struggled so much. I was barely sleeping and barely functioning. I started to think it was too big of a goal and it was just a dream that I would forever hold onto in my mind. Then when I met Preston he told me that the first priority in our family was for me to finish nursing school. He told me he was going to put his dreams of going to school on hold and that he would do whatever it took to make sure I achieved my goals. So I started working harder. I applied for one nursing school and didn't get in... The rejection hurt and I wanted to quit. But I continued to work hard, applied to another school and to my shock I got in! 

Then I started nursing school in the middle of a pandemic. Within weeks of starting my program I was at home virtually and so was Kenedee. It was a struggle to try and "attend class" virtually while also ensuring that Kenedee was staying on top of her schoolwork. But, as a family we pushed through. Summer was a welcome break. We spent the summer camping, exploring, and relaxing. I started my second year of nursing school and the world seemed to fall apart. Two family members passed away and in the middle of the semester I ended up in a walking boot after fracturing my ankle. I thought that this was it...this is where I quit. There was no possible way of me finishing. But, with the push and support of my husband, family, friends, therapist, and advisors I kept going. I had to finish my clinicals in a boot. It sucked...but I still showed up to that hospital at 0645 and kept moving forward. Then my last semester approached. I felt like most of the semester I was just treading water, just trying to keep my head above water. School, clinical, driving 1.5 hours to pick up Kenedee from school, homework, housework, working as a paramedic, church....it all just seemed like too much. But, I am just the luckiest girl alive. My sister made me a countdown to graduation with a gift to open each week. My husband worked extra hours so I didn't have to work as much and he spent hours helping me study. Family and friends carried me across this finish line. This has truly been a group effort. I couldn't have done it without my perfect village. Grandmas & Grandpas who would watch Kenedee for me, friends would watch Kenedee after school for me or give her a hug on days I couldn't be there, co-workers who picked up the slack when I wasn't on top of things, and teachers who were patient with me. 

Now, the grades are in and all I have left is one more test.....the dreaded NCLEX-RN. But then I will officially be Rachel Roberson, NREMT-Paramedic, RN, BSN. It sure has a nice ring to it now doesn't :) 

I am a mother.

*Previously written in 2018*

"If you ever feel like giving up, just remember there is a little girl watching who wants to be just like you....don't disappoint her."

Motherhood is hard. Everyone always talks about how they didn't know how much they could love another human until they became a mother, how their world completely changed when they became a mother, or how they truly knew their life had meaning when they became a mother. Well.....that's all nice. But can we talk about those of us who struggle with being a mother? I loved being pregnant. It was so easy and so special. Then Kenedee decided to come 10 days late and shortly after I was diagnosed with postpartum depression. Motherhood has never come easy to me. It doesn't come natural for me to get down and play on her level. I need breaks and time away from her. I honestly don't think I could be a stay at home mom. The idea is absolutely wonderful but I think Kenedee and I would end up screaming at each other 24/7. I went back to work when Kenedee was only 7 weeks old. I used that time away from home as an escape and I found myself picking up more and more shifts to avoid being at home. I found it was a lot easier to fix the problems of my patients than to sit at home and face the struggles of being a mother. However, I have quickly found that this isn't something I can avoid forever. I am a mother, everyday/all day on good days and bad days. I have to figure out how to be a mother and it honestly might take me a while to learn!

I think we tend to try and avoid this topic. Honestly, it's super easy to pretend like it doesn't exist! There are Pinterest boards, Instagram accounts, blogs, pictures in magazines, tv ads, and so many other places that display the "perfect mom." You know the type, make up and hair all done, kids look presentable, and to top it off the house is perfectly clean with a home cooked meal! I call BS on that...... Can we take a second to stop beating ourselves up and say it's ok to not be good at being a mother? Can we help and support each other when someone asks for a break? Can we stop judging and criticizing each other when someone shows up to Target with yoga pants on, yesterday's make up, two different flip flops and a baby still in their pajamas (hypothetically of course)? 

This past year I have learned so much about myself and Kenedee. There were moments where I didn't think I could bear the pain anymore. Kenedee would climb into bed and hold me. She would softly play with my hair and tell me that everything was going to be ok and that she loved me. I can't count how many times I have laid in bed crying while Kenedee held me. I will forever be grateful for God trusting me to be her mama. I know that I would not have been able to make it through the past year without her love pushing me and giving me something to fight for. On days where it seemed too difficult to even try and get out of bed, I remembered that I had someone else I had to care for and someone else that was watching my every move. I know that motherhood is going to continue to have it's ups and downs. But, even on the darkest days I can forever hold onto the knowledge that I am a mother. 

Caught in the middle

*This post was previously written in 2019*

    Before going through my own divorce I had very little experience with divorce. None of my friends or family members were divorced growing up. I knew one or two kids that came from a divorced family and over the years I had heard about various friends going through a divorce. Over the past couple of years I have struggled tremendously with my own divorce. It has not been easy and at times I thought my heart could not break anymore. This past year I have begun to build a new life. I have dealt with financial issues, depression, anxiety, family court, losing and gaining relationships, and a lot of soul searching. I think one of our immediate reactions to trials tends to be "why me?" I can't tell you the countless times I had these same discussions with God. Why did I have to go through this? What could He have possibly wanted me to learn? Would I ever get through this? Would I be happy again? I haven't found the answer to all of these questions, but I have learned to trust in God and His timing. I have slowly started to see the sunshine peak through the dark clouds. I have slowly started to understand the trials I went through, and even started being grateful for the hell I went through.

    I was talking to a friend recently about the changes I have gone through the past year. He mentioned that I needed to be better about writing down my experiences and the lessons I have learned. So I want to make a better effort at writing my thoughts and experiences down. As I tried to gather my thoughts together I kept going back to the one constant in my life, Kenedee. I have gone through so much and learned so much, but this little girl has been there every step of the way. I have made peace with the path my life has led me to and the lessons I needed to learn. But, I can't help but wonder what this little girl possibly needed to learn from this. This girl has become caught in the middle. She is caught between two households, two sets of parents, two lifestyles, and so many mixed emotions. I can't even begin to imagine the roller-coaster this little girl must feel like she is on. Trying to build a new life, battle my own demons, and raise a daughter has been a challenging balancing act. I sometimes worry she gets lost in the mess of things. I think unless you have been in a similar position it is hard to understand all the small pieces that play a part in a split household. 

Here are a few of the challenges I have been faced with recently:

-Missing firsts. Realizing that I am not going to be there for every first, like losing her first tooth.

-Missing holidays/birthdays. This year was the very first year I wasn't able to spend with Kenedee on her birthday. I didn't get to wake her up first thing in the morning and be the first to give her a big hug and kiss. I didn't get to make her birthday breakfast or birthday dinner.

-Learning how to discipline/parent. This one is so hard for me. One of my biggest fears is that I will snap and be upset one day then she will go to her dad's house and that is the last memory she has of me. I always want Kenedee to leave my house with peace and love, but it is so hard sometimes.

-Learning to be present and consciously taking time to teach Kenedee. Before the divorce I had all day/everyday with Kenedee. Now, I have to make a conscious effort at using my time with Kenedee wisely. This means trying to stay off my phone, getting errands/cleaning done before she comes over, getting homework done at night or at work, skipping out on events/nights out, losing overtime, spending time talking to her and cuddling with her. I have definitely learned the definition of quality vs quantity. 

-Dealing with the fact that her mom and dad aren't the only ones in her life anymore. There are people that I don't know that have come into her life. There are new people playing with her, giving her kisses and hugs, and tucking her in at night. It is so hard to let go and have faith that wherever she is, there are angels guarding and watching over her. 

    I have realized that going through a divorce or learning how to co-parent isn't a destination, it is a lifelong process. It definitely isn't a linear process either, there are highs and lows. But, all I can do is love my baby girl and never give up. 

Processing life

We all process life in different ways. Some of us find creative outlets that become our therapy, some take their aggression out on the road while running or lifting weights, others find comfort in talking with friends or family, and some of us are still figuring it out. Years ago I started a blog to share with my family and friends what was going on in my life and then during my divorce I used my blog to process some of the hard events I was going through. It has been a while since I have shared anything on this blog, but I can't tell you how many posts I have in draft. I have sat down and just typed out my thoughts. Some I may end up sharing, while others may stay in draft forever. Recently, I have been reading some self-help books. You know the kind that pump you up to face the day? I have found comfort in knowing that my feelings of hopelessness, fear, inadequacy, depression, anxiety, uncertainty, and pain are not ones that I feel alone. There are others in this world that have felt similar ways and there are others going through similar seasons in their life. Over the past 7 years I have found therapy a wonderful outlet to help me process my emotions and thoughts. However, with the quarantine I have been unable to attend as much as I would like to. So I have looked for other ways to process. I have found writing one of the most therapeutic and sacred places for me to spill everything out into the open. I am not talking about typing on the computer or writing notes in my phone, but good old pen and paper. It's kind of embarrassing but for the first time in my life I am about to completely fill up a journal! I have started many journals throughout my life, but I would always quit and then buy a new journal to start over. It's taken me about a year, but the pages between those covers are filled with joy, sadness, pain, hope, and so much more. I am definitely not perfect but I am going to continue working on bringing writing into a part of my daily routine. Life is a never ending process and so is learning how to process that life.

"Sis, don't be afraid of failure. Be afraid of never achieving anything at all because you were too afraid of what others might think of you for trying."

-Girl, Stop Apologizing by Rachel Hollis

Kindergarten

Congratulations! 

Today is your day!

You're off to Great Places!

You're off and away!

Ever since you were a baby I was always looking ahead at the next milestone. It started out with a first smile, first laugh, watching you roll for the first time, taking your first steps, or anxiously anticipating your first Christmas or first birthday. Over the first few years of your life I watched you take in the world around you. You learned how to use your arms, hands, fingers and legs. I watched you learn how to make others laugh. I watched you learn how to make different sounds that eventually turned into words and now you have a vocabulary full of hundreds of words. Your speech is so clear and you have learned that your voice can hold a lot of power. You know how to show compassion and give compliments. You also know that you can make that little voice very loud and use it to express your anger or frustration.

I have looked forward to every milestone with excitement and joy. However, this is the one milestone I have dreaded and feared. For the first 5 years and 9 months of your life, you were all mine. I was the first person to feel your heartbeat and kiss your soft cheeks. I have been there to kiss away your bumps and bruises when you've fallen or been there to hold your hand as you try something new. But today is different. Today I send you off on a new adventure, one where I won't be able to be there all the time. But, I promise baby girl I will be there before you go to school to remind you that you are beautiful, courageous, and strong! I also promise to be there when you get out of school. I want to hear all about the things you have learned, the friends you have made, and even the times when you felt sad, lonely, or angry. I want you to know that I will think about you while you are gone and that I will ALWAYS be your biggest cheerleader. I also want you to know that sometimes you are going to feel lonely or sad, but I want you to know baby girl that you have the biggest tribe standing behind you. There are so many people who love you and would do anything for you. I can't believe that at just 5 years old how much sunshine you have brought into so many people's lives. I know that these people would drop anything and everything to stand by your side.

 I could go on and on about all the wishes and dreams I have for you. But, I think the most important thing for you to remember as you start school is that you are the only Kenedee Alexandria Dixon. You are one of God's little angels and no one can change that. I might not always be there to hold your hand, but you are always being protected and watched over. 

I love you always and forever. 

29

29 years old. 

If you had told me that when I turned 29 I would be

*Divorced

*Mom of a beautiful 4 year old girl

*College student (for the second time)

*Resident of North Carolina

I would have definitely told you that you were a little crazy. I never pictured myself living anywhere other than Utah. When I graduated from UVU in May 2012, I honestly thought that was the last time I would step foot on a college campus as a student. Divorced? I never in a million years pictured myself single at 29. However, my divorce was finalized April 30. So this year as I turn 29 I am starting out completely fresh. A brand new beginning. A new chapter to my own story. The past couple of years has been a crazy roller coaster. It has been tolling on me both emotionally and physically. But, I have come out stronger and have learned so many lessons. For the first time I feel like I have had a physical burden lifted off my shoulders. I can honestly say that I am starting realize that I AM going to be ok. I look back at this past year and I am completely overwhelmed at how much I have been truly blessed and watched over. I don't know what your opinion about angels are, but I honestly believe God has sent individuals into our lives, at the right time and right moment to bless us. I think we have angels in our daily lives who bless us daily, and then there are angels who we might never meet. I also know that I have had angels in Heaven who have been watching out and caring for me. I have truly been blessed.

*I have had friends and family support me, love me, and listen to me

*Meals provided for me

*There have been so many times at work where I have had a partner or co-worker take time and check on me. There have been many shifts where I didn't think I was going to make it through the 12 hours, but I had a wonderful partner who did the work for the two of us. 

*I can't even begin to thank everyone who has helped me take care of Kenedee. There are so many people who have stayed the night with Kenedee while I work, watch her during the day, pick her up for me, feed her, buy her gifts, provide clothes for her, and most of all just love that little girl

*I have had many unexpected moments where I have had assistance with my finances

*There were times where my friends came and took me out, giving me a break from the chaos. 

*Phone calls, text messages, letters(yes people still write those), e-mails, and notes from friends, family, and sometimes even people I barely know.

So for the first time in a long time I am excited about my birthday. I am excited to see what 29 is going to bring. I can't wait for the adventures that I will go on with Kenedee and I am so excited to push myself closer to my goal of nursing school. I am excited to live in the moment and enjoy my precious time I have with Kenedee. I am excited to continue to work on myself; physically, mentally, and spiritually.

*Yes I realize my birthday was in May...just a little late posting this :)