I am a mother.

*Previously written in 2018*

"If you ever feel like giving up, just remember there is a little girl watching who wants to be just like you....don't disappoint her."

Motherhood is hard. Everyone always talks about how they didn't know how much they could love another human until they became a mother, how their world completely changed when they became a mother, or how they truly knew their life had meaning when they became a mother. Well.....that's all nice. But can we talk about those of us who struggle with being a mother? I loved being pregnant. It was so easy and so special. Then Kenedee decided to come 10 days late and shortly after I was diagnosed with postpartum depression. Motherhood has never come easy to me. It doesn't come natural for me to get down and play on her level. I need breaks and time away from her. I honestly don't think I could be a stay at home mom. The idea is absolutely wonderful but I think Kenedee and I would end up screaming at each other 24/7. I went back to work when Kenedee was only 7 weeks old. I used that time away from home as an escape and I found myself picking up more and more shifts to avoid being at home. I found it was a lot easier to fix the problems of my patients than to sit at home and face the struggles of being a mother. However, I have quickly found that this isn't something I can avoid forever. I am a mother, everyday/all day on good days and bad days. I have to figure out how to be a mother and it honestly might take me a while to learn!

I think we tend to try and avoid this topic. Honestly, it's super easy to pretend like it doesn't exist! There are Pinterest boards, Instagram accounts, blogs, pictures in magazines, tv ads, and so many other places that display the "perfect mom." You know the type, make up and hair all done, kids look presentable, and to top it off the house is perfectly clean with a home cooked meal! I call BS on that...... Can we take a second to stop beating ourselves up and say it's ok to not be good at being a mother? Can we help and support each other when someone asks for a break? Can we stop judging and criticizing each other when someone shows up to Target with yoga pants on, yesterday's make up, two different flip flops and a baby still in their pajamas (hypothetically of course)? 

This past year I have learned so much about myself and Kenedee. There were moments where I didn't think I could bear the pain anymore. Kenedee would climb into bed and hold me. She would softly play with my hair and tell me that everything was going to be ok and that she loved me. I can't count how many times I have laid in bed crying while Kenedee held me. I will forever be grateful for God trusting me to be her mama. I know that I would not have been able to make it through the past year without her love pushing me and giving me something to fight for. On days where it seemed too difficult to even try and get out of bed, I remembered that I had someone else I had to care for and someone else that was watching my every move. I know that motherhood is going to continue to have it's ups and downs. But, even on the darkest days I can forever hold onto the knowledge that I am a mother.