Caught in the middle

*This post was previously written in 2019*

    Before going through my own divorce I had very little experience with divorce. None of my friends or family members were divorced growing up. I knew one or two kids that came from a divorced family and over the years I had heard about various friends going through a divorce. Over the past couple of years I have struggled tremendously with my own divorce. It has not been easy and at times I thought my heart could not break anymore. This past year I have begun to build a new life. I have dealt with financial issues, depression, anxiety, family court, losing and gaining relationships, and a lot of soul searching. I think one of our immediate reactions to trials tends to be "why me?" I can't tell you the countless times I had these same discussions with God. Why did I have to go through this? What could He have possibly wanted me to learn? Would I ever get through this? Would I be happy again? I haven't found the answer to all of these questions, but I have learned to trust in God and His timing. I have slowly started to see the sunshine peak through the dark clouds. I have slowly started to understand the trials I went through, and even started being grateful for the hell I went through.

    I was talking to a friend recently about the changes I have gone through the past year. He mentioned that I needed to be better about writing down my experiences and the lessons I have learned. So I want to make a better effort at writing my thoughts and experiences down. As I tried to gather my thoughts together I kept going back to the one constant in my life, Kenedee. I have gone through so much and learned so much, but this little girl has been there every step of the way. I have made peace with the path my life has led me to and the lessons I needed to learn. But, I can't help but wonder what this little girl possibly needed to learn from this. This girl has become caught in the middle. She is caught between two households, two sets of parents, two lifestyles, and so many mixed emotions. I can't even begin to imagine the roller-coaster this little girl must feel like she is on. Trying to build a new life, battle my own demons, and raise a daughter has been a challenging balancing act. I sometimes worry she gets lost in the mess of things. I think unless you have been in a similar position it is hard to understand all the small pieces that play a part in a split household. 

Here are a few of the challenges I have been faced with recently:

-Missing firsts. Realizing that I am not going to be there for every first, like losing her first tooth.

-Missing holidays/birthdays. This year was the very first year I wasn't able to spend with Kenedee on her birthday. I didn't get to wake her up first thing in the morning and be the first to give her a big hug and kiss. I didn't get to make her birthday breakfast or birthday dinner.

-Learning how to discipline/parent. This one is so hard for me. One of my biggest fears is that I will snap and be upset one day then she will go to her dad's house and that is the last memory she has of me. I always want Kenedee to leave my house with peace and love, but it is so hard sometimes.

-Learning to be present and consciously taking time to teach Kenedee. Before the divorce I had all day/everyday with Kenedee. Now, I have to make a conscious effort at using my time with Kenedee wisely. This means trying to stay off my phone, getting errands/cleaning done before she comes over, getting homework done at night or at work, skipping out on events/nights out, losing overtime, spending time talking to her and cuddling with her. I have definitely learned the definition of quality vs quantity. 

-Dealing with the fact that her mom and dad aren't the only ones in her life anymore. There are people that I don't know that have come into her life. There are new people playing with her, giving her kisses and hugs, and tucking her in at night. It is so hard to let go and have faith that wherever she is, there are angels guarding and watching over her. 

    I have realized that going through a divorce or learning how to co-parent isn't a destination, it is a lifelong process. It definitely isn't a linear process either, there are highs and lows. But, all I can do is love my baby girl and never give up.