The lane I travel feels alone

Pain don't hurt the same, I know
The lane I travel feels alone
But I'm moving 'til my legs give out
And I see my tears melt in the snow
But I don't wanna cry
I don't wanna cry anymore
I wanna feel alive
I don't even wanna die anymore
Oh I don't wanna
I don't wanna
I don't even wanna die anymore




Growing up there was always a very negative stigma around "mental health." If someone was depressed, committed suicide, needed counseling, therapy, or medication it was always brushed under the rug. No one would talk about it. Growing up watching people brush these things under the rug I got the impression that it was all very bad and most importantly that it was THAT particular person's fault. It was their fault they were depressed, they just needed to put their big girl panties(sorry B) on and move on. It was their fault that they needed anti psychotics, anti depressants, anti anxiety medications. That everything that happened to them could be externally controlled, that they chose to be that way. I had a very negative experience early on in my childhood with therapy. From that moment on, I decided I would never do anything to put myself back in a situation where someone had to "fix me." Fast forward to when I was 18 and working as a CNA at the VA Hospital in the inpatient psychiatric unit. I ended up working in that particular unit for over a year. Working with those men and women completely changed my outlook on mental health. I sat and talked with individuals who suffered from PTSD on top of already debilitating mental health issues. I saw huge strong grown men crumble into a corner in their room because their anxiety was too much to handle. I was physically assaulted multiple times by men and women who were trying to commit suicide and I just happened to walk in at that particular moment in time and stop them. I had to restrain patients to keep them from harming themselves or others. I also saw the effects of medications and therapy. That many times it was a balancing act between the two to help stabilize someone. I watched these men and women walk out of the unit, after being there for days or months, with a new strength to fight for their life. No one ever told them it would be easy, but they were given the tools to fight their demons. I then got a job at the inpatient psychiatric unit at a private hospital and worked there for 3 years.


Having the opportunity to work with these particular individuals provided a wonderful platform for me, that I never knew or thought I would need. In 2012 I left my family, my home, my friends, my job, and my school and came to North Carolina. I found myself completely alone. I started slipping into a depression and then after having Kenedee I fell deep into postpartum depression. I was exhausted, emotionally, mentally, and physically. I thought that my daughter and husband would be better without me, that they didn't need me. I slowly started to find myself with suicidal thoughts. Because of the positive experiences I had seen in treating "mental illnesses" I was able to reach out and ask for help. Since 2012 I have continued to fight depression. Most days it is a battle that I am able to conquer, however, with recent events I have found myself having to fight those demons on a daily basis. I have learned that I am my best self when I am on anti-depressants and in therapy. And you know what? That is perfectly ok! I have found that having a therapist is the best thing for me. I am able to walk in her office, lay it all out there with no judgment, and walk out feeling a million times lighter. It has been a long battle till now and I think I may struggle with it for the rest of my life. But I have learned that it is OK. Just because you can't see depression in a blood test, MRI, or CT scan doesn't mean it isn't real.






It's the very first breath
When your head's been drowning underwater
And it's the lightness in the air
When you're there
Chest to chest with a lover
It's holding on, though the road's long
And seeing light in the darkest things
And when you stare at your reflection
Finally knowing who it is
I know that you'll thank God you did